Yesterday a good friend of mine asked me to accompany her to the dentist office. Since I knew I would be there for an unspecified amount of time, I took along an essence magazine [september 2009] to keep me company.
Now, in general I happen to really enjoy essence magazine. They include good recipes, I like their style section and since Obama was elected, even their articles on politics have been pretty decent.
But by the time I got to the end of the magazine I found myself feeling crazy! It started with the “single man of the month,” whose relationship goal is to be like the Huxtables… Then came “what men think about sex.” Which was then followed by an article by a woman who is 43 years old and launched a website called 52weeks2findhim.com. The goal of said website is to find her husband.
At this point I had to pause. Is this what I have to look forward to at 30+/40+ if I just so happen to end up single? That my life has so little meaning or substance to it that I have to dedicate my entire existence to finding a man?
But interestingly enough… just in case Essence’s readers weren’t crazy enough, there was a nice little side column for women already in relationships about how to “investigate” your man. Which included a handy website for hiring a private investigator… wow…
Of course no issue on black women and relationships would be complete without the article by the 42 year old black man who was divorced in 1996 and hasn’t dated since. His reason why? “black women don’t know how to let a man be a man”… yes mr. single black man… i’m sure in 13yrs thats EXACTLY why you haven’t dated… lol. And underneath that savory piece of chocolate? An essence poll where 2/3 of the men “surveyed” said they’d leave their woman if she didn’t satisfy them in bed.
And the crem de la crem? come on ya’ll… you know whats coming…
The black communities very own [single] relationship expert, Hill Harper, on how to find your soul mate…
But I can’t even just blame essence. Its bloggers who write articles like these on how some black women will just have to acknowledge the reality that will NEVER be married [*ouch*]. Don’t get me wrong I actually really LOVE clutch… but can I get some positivity to start off my work week?
I mean damn… by the time I finish reading essence, watching black in america, and cruising the black blogosphere… I should be thoroughly convinced that (1) there are no more single black men ANYWHERE (2) the single black men that do exist are sex crazed, arrogant and unwilling to “settle” [what does that mean by the way?] and (3) most strikingly [and disturbingly] should I end up 30+ and single… I will most certainly be unhappy, envious and bitter.
but call me deluded (or young and naive), but I just don’t buy the hype. When I step away from my computer and head to art galleries, lectures, sports leagues or any other number of social gatherings… I run into single black men all of the time. Now are they always interested in me? no. Am I always interested in them? no. But the point is, they do exist, they are not extinct… and here’s a really juicy tidbit: usually they are really normal, average guys.
but I guess what bothers me more is this idea that if you are single you can’t be happy. Where are the articles about the single and sexy women (who are 30, 40 +) who enjoy spending their extra cash on cruises and trips with their friends? The ones who own their own businesses and enjoy pursueing their passions in life and casually dating? The one’s who decided that their worth wasn’t rooted in whether or not they got a ring or a baby… but whether or not they follow their heart?
It seems to me, that by focusing on this all to common [racist] narrative about the “unmarried” black woman, we’re teaching toxic life habits to ourselves and our daughters.
At the end of the day, what good do these blog and magazine articles do anyway? By increasing panic and anxiety around the “crisis” of black matrimony… all we [writers] do is create a never-ending cycle of unhealthy relationships. How can a woman calmly and rationally evaluate whether or not her partner is best for her, if she’s to busy being indoctrinated with the message of “find a man, any man.”
So, here’s my advice to you [and myself], stop reading about dating… just go out there, and experience life for yourself.
peace.
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As a single guy, I feel that expectations are too high on both sides. I’m a decent looking, late twenties man, making a decent amount of money and I’m very fit. However, I find it almost impossible to talk to women because I feel like their expectations are too high. Here’s what I mean by that: I have what I think is a normal amount of confidence, but ,as I heard a comedian say before, if I find my confidence lingering around average levels, I like to go to the club just to pull it down a few thousand notches. While that was meant to be a joke, there is a lot of truth to it. Women (yes I’m generalizing) want a guy to be “swagtastic”, “swagger like us”, “big ego”, “swag surfing”, etc. Women want a guy to float across the room like it’s a freakin Spike Lee joint, have the smoothest intro, make em laugh, while at the same time having engaging conversation, never stuttering or allowing uncomfortable silence – all while not appearing to be running game. The same can be said for guys. We make a B line straight towards the sexiest model looking chick in the room instead of trying to talk to the more average looking woman who may be more open to less than perfect guys. I think both sides need to stop shooting for people out of our leagues. But it’s so hard to give up on the dream of mackin a model chick back to the crib. Sacrifices lol
love this blog.
I adore Hill Harper I really really REALLY do, but, it is a lil uneasy taking advice from a single guy.
Essence tends to have essays that I don’t agree to as far as relationships. Since the rise of all these help books and articles, the amount of ppl being married or staying married has not risen. So why not go back to a time when we didn’t have all this “help”
I don’t want to blame men period, but I’m tired of hearing them complain “expectations are too high” so I should lower my standards so you can appeal to me? No. Not going to happen. How do you know what my standards and expectations are? I would come off a lil desperate expressing to you on the first meeting when I want to be married, how many kids I want, and so forth. The issue is ppl want instant gratification, and relationships don’t work like that. Maybe we should start taking the time to get to know each other first and being open to each other, not feeding in to what this sex crazed pop media wants us to think is good for us. Notice its tearing us apart from each other and not closer to each other…
PeAce Love Soul