Three Things Women Can Learn from Men About Dating

I don’t consider myself a relationship blogger by any stretch of the imagination… but as I bumble around trying to figure out graduate school, Chicago, and blackness… I’m also figuring out being a twenty-something single black woman …

In this post I’m a little more open about my own experiences than I usually am… so we’ll see how this goes!

So below find my thoughts on 3 dating habits I’ve learned from men that I think would be useful for women as well…

3. Until You Get Married Your Lifelong Friends Should Be Just as Important as Whoever You are Dating at the Moment

Now I’m not saying that you should always choose your girls over your man. But I am saying that putting sustained effort into maintaing your friendships before, during and after your relationship is over, is a worthwhile activity to engage in.

Simply because… statistically… your friendships will last… your relationship probably won’t…

2. Understanding That Most Relationships Won’t Last…

So it doesn’t make sense to plan your wedding after month six…

1. Waiting Until They Have Their Lives Together to be in a Relationship

This is the major lesson I’ve learned and the original inspiration for this post…

A major complaint that I hear from my girlfriends pretty frequently is that the guy they are dating isn’t ready to commit. Now of course, as many of the relationship bloggers will tell you, this could be for any plethora of reasons. But as I get older the most frequent reason I hear cited is that the man in question just wants to get his life “together” first. Now most women simply dismiss this reason as excuse making because, for us, to often, definitionally, having our “lives-together” includes being in a “serious relationship.” But it is this vision of a “put-together” life that I want to push back on.

Recently I was disturbed by a friend of mine who told me that the Wale song Diary reminded him of me. While not an entirely negative thing, I was struck by my realization that this isn’t the woman I want to be. And it certainly isn’t the woman I want to be within the confines of a relationship.

Oftentimes for many men their level of comfort with themselves (and thus their ability to be in a relationship) is based on outside material markers like job, education, etc… It occurred to me that although I may have the aesthetic markers of “readiness” for a relationship (steady job, decent apartment, advanced level of education, etc…), that there may be some internal things that I need to work on (letting go of the past, being more secure, being more trusting, etc…)

Sure, monogamy, commitment, love, etc… are all great. But I think the one thing that men get about dating that women don’t always understand is… you have to like/be fully confidant in yourself as a individual before you can competently and productively engage in a relationship with another person.

I think the [largely] male understanding that their personhood isn’t defined by their relationship status… ultimately helps them to navigate the dating world in a way that is healthier and more enjoyable. This kind of knowledge requires that they know who they are and what will make them feel happy, confidant, and secure. For me, understanding that I need to know who I am as a complete person and feeling fully confidant and joyful in that knowledge before I enter into a relationship probably should have been obvious knowledge but wasn’t something I had actively thought about.

Men who understand that you have to like who you are and feel good about what you are bringing to the table prior to making a serious commitment have taught me a lot about myself and about this tricky dating game…

bottom line: if you are fraught with insecurities because your unemployed, overweight, been cheated on a lot, etc… it makes it kind of hard for somebody else to love you [because you don't love yourself...]

What do you think?

peace.

Related posts:

1. Black Women and Dating: or “Why you should never read another article about dating again”