by Sasja Milenkovic
An awesome Chicago based astrologer that I work with, Dayna Lynn, has been pushing me for the last two weeks to get clear on what makes me feel emotionally secure and nurtured. She has been stressing that the recent eclipses and today’s new moon, are all about gaining clarity in this area, one way or another.
While this week has had its share of major breakthroughs, the last couple of days have put me through a tailspin. Typical though. I knew there was an area of my life that needed to be examined and thought about, I refused to do it, so the divine brought me to my knees until I did.
Funny, just as I associated being grounded with financial and material security, I also associated these with emotional security as well. For me, to be financially independent, was the corner stone to my emotional health. In my mind, as long as I didn’t need anybody for anything, they couldn’t control me… I mean… how much more secure can you get? (or so I thought).
Turns out, it doesn’t matter whether you can pay your bills or not… if your spirit isn’t right, your life will reflect it, “independence” can’t save you from yourself.
Lately, life’s energies have been pulling me in every, single, direction possible. While I could feel myself on the brink of clarity, its been slow coming. Nevertheless its been a blessed process, I’m learning to extend myself beyond my professional ambition and discover other aspects of myself, like my sensitivity and creativity.
And in discovering that I am indeed not one-dimensional, I have discovered what my emotional security looks like. Turns out, for me it is all about freedom.
For most of my life, I have strived to make others happy: to be the “right” kind of academic, the best kind of daughter, sister, lover, and friend. I have suppressed my desires, feelings and impulses, to try and be the version of myself that worked best for whatever space I am in at that minute. It occurs to me, that this is something that many women do.
When I think about what would make me feel safe and secure, I realize, that the only time I feel safe and secure is when I feel fully comfortable expressing my most authentic self.
The freedom to express myself in whatever way possible, freedom to organize my days in whatever way I please, freedom to go where I please and do what I please. Free from resentment, anger and grudges. Finally free to be at peace.
It’s time I finally give myself the freedom to just be whomever I want, and to affirm that woman, every single day, no matter the cost. I can’t keep waiting until [fill in the blank person/people] feel comfortable with me or my life. I have to be comfortable enough with me, to just be me anyway.
They say that God is in the details, and it is time that I finally take the time to discover the divine within myself.
peace.
a
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